Thin ice

So I’ve been watching the Olympics, wasting time in front of the tube watching people do things on ice and snow that, quite frankly, I have great admiration for.

I grew up in a town with an ice skating rink, but despite hours and hours on the damn ice with skates that didn’t quite fit and left me with blisters the size of quarters, I never really even learned to skate backwards and barely forwards.

Blaming the skates and blisters is actually criminal. The real problem is I’m three-fifths oaf.

We also skated on ponds which I didn’t like all that much, because not only was my skating ability suspect, I was also deeply concerned that the ice would crack and I would go for a nasty swim.

There was only one thing I was worse at and that was swimming. I am a poor swimmer. I’m even worse with skates on.

I wonder how deep the ice is at the Olympics. Wouldn’t it be fun if there was a deep end with questionable ice. I can hear Johnny Weir now…

“Kimmy Chen with a triple Salchow and oh, she landed just a bit too hard and has gone through the ice, Tara … that’s gotta be chilly.”

And yes, that’s how you spell Salchow (pronounced Sow-cow, at least that’s how Johnny and Tara pronounce it.). It’s named after Ulrich “Bobby” Salchow, the guy who dreamed up of a multitude of ways to break young girls’ ankles on skates back in the early 1900s.

Just a few days in, there’s been plenty of “Olympic moments.”

The saddest might have been the Russian couple who did these amazing jumps and spins only to completely biff it with about three seconds left in their program when her knee appeared to go into his eye socket while he was doing something simple, like twirling her over his head.

Of course I have never twirled anything bigger than a scarf over my head while skating.

My wife says getting to the Olympics, even if you crash, is better than not.

I dunno about that. I mean that Russian team will look back and say, “Hey, remember when you stuck your knee in my eye and I wiped out? Oh those were the days!”

Then you live with the nightmare for four years at least, maybe the rest of your life.

Talk about social and emotional learnin’.

Another cool moment was when this woman from one of those countries Russia is considering invading landed this huge jump only to have her ski come off. Somehow, she didn’t wipe out, which seemed like a miracle.

But the best so far was the dude from another one of those uber cold countries who was down like two seconds (which that race is apparently an eternity) in the 5,000 meter speed skate only to come back in the last lap to win.

They kept showing the poor guy who came in second.

He looked like he wanted to find some thin ice.

Gotta love those Olympics.