'Fun’ at Wally World

So I’m standing in the return line at Walmart and there’s this guy at the counter with a leather vest on and a pair of filthy jeans. His diet must have been working, because his pants were falling off and his butt crack was hanging out.

He looked like a biker guy, but the sort that didn’t have enough money to actually own a Harley. Instead I imagined he drove a Chevy Chevette with the hood held down by a piece of wire. I owned a Chevette in high school. It was one of the worst cars on planet Earth. I paid the local mechanic a lot of money to “fix” it, so it would run right. For two years, I pretty much handed my paychecks over to him, which amounted to $563.40.

It never ran right, but it did get me back and forth to my job at a deli, until the owner of the deli fired me, which I was thankful for, because it freed up time for more fishing.

I was good at fishing. Slicing capicola to the tenth of an ounce? Not so much.

But I digress.

So this guy was at the counter with his butt hanging out and there’s this other guy, equally rough looking with a rough looking girlfriend (they both had attractive sores on the back of their legs) and when the guy with his butt hanging finally gets done at the counter the guy with the girlfriend makes a comment about the guy’s butt hanging out.

I can’t repeat the conversation here, because I can’t print those words in a family newspaper, but let’s just say the guy with his butt hanging out didn’t much like what the guy thought about his butt and he let him know it.

Then the other guy says a few choice words back and promises to go at it in the parking lot, you know, because last I checked, there are NO security cameras in the

Walmart parking lot, as opposed to the store.

Whups, I stand corrected. There are security cameras in the parking lot. Lots of them. If they really wanted to rumble and not go to jail, I’d suggest one of the big open fields just west of town.

I thought about bringing it up, you know, the voice of reason, but then thought better. I was just trying to return a tevee antennae I got for my birthday.

That didn’t work out so well on my end. Turns out you can’t return a tevee antennae back to Walmart that you bought online if Walmart didn’t actually sell it. Walmart is in the same business as Amazon nowadays. They “fulfill” orders from other vendors.

So in other words, they’ll sell you the stuff, but you can’t return it to the store.

I thought about arguing with the clerk. You know, maybe setting up a fight in the fields just west of town.

But she was in her mid-60s and had seen better days, though she had a very nice smile.

I’m sure she would have kicked my butt.

Chris Peterson is the editor of the Hungry Horse News.