Gassed

My friend Paranoid Pete has one of those kegerators in his basement.

You know, a frig that has a keg in it with a tap in the door.

The other day I went to get a beer.

“You don’t want to drink that,” he said.

I laughed and poured myself one, ignoring him.

“Seriously…” he said.

I brought glass to my lips and sprayed the drink all over the basement.

“It’s gasoline,” he said.

“Gasoline?” I asked. “Are you mad?”

“Nope.” he said. “Just getting prepared. I got rid of all the beer kegs. Filled ‘em with gas.”

“What the?”

“It’s never gonna be cheaper, right?” he said. “Might as well stock up.”

I pointed to the other kegs stacked up against the wall.

“Yep,” he said. “Gas.”

I opened the mini fridge and grabbed a ginger ale.

“Don’t,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“Gas?”

“Gas.”

Every bottle, jug, bucket, keg in the joint was filled with gas.

The house was a bomb, waiting to go off. Didn’t smell great either.

That’s Paranoid Pete for you. Always thinking ahead.

“Pete! You know how dangerous this is?” I asked with a sweep of the hand.

“Thought about it.” he said. “But what’s more dangerous? The threat of a massive explosion, or running out? My pickup truck ain’t running on love.”

He had a point.

And gas is cheap.

Of course, we all know how well engines run on old gas. Just ask your lawnmower after a long winter in the shed.

Still, it’s just another one of Paranoid Pete’s efforts to win World War C. Nevermind thinking toward the real problems, like fixing a meat supply that isn’t reliant on a handful of processing plants for the entire country, or, heaven forbid, taking this virus deal up as the perfect opportunity to explore alternative clean energy sources. Have you seen the maps from NASA that show just how clean the air got when we didn’t burn so much gas?

Paranoid Pete says that even if they get a vaccine for this virus, he ain’t getting it.

Says Bill Gates is putting a microchip in the juice to keep track of us all.

It’s true!

He saw it on Fakebook.

After all, Gates might steal his gas.

Someone pass the matches.

Chris Peterson is the editor of the Hungry Horse News.