Opinion: The Russians are coming

I was over to my good friend Paranoid Pete’s house the other day.

“I’m worried about Russia,” he admitted.

“How so?” I said.

“Well, after this virus kills half of us they’re all gonna come over in boats and take over the country,” he said.

“Where did you hear that?” I said. “Facebook?”

He nodded. Facebook again. Purveyor of all that is true and right with the world. Ahem.

“But Pete,” I said.

“Don’t, ‘But me,’” he said, giving me one of those looks. “The Russians are coming and then we’ll have to all our change our names to the Russian way.”

“How’s that go?” I said.

“The Russians name their kids after where they were conceived,” he said. “Instead of Ricky or Tammy or Gus, they’re named after the location of conception.”

“No way!” I said.

“Yep, ‘cept it’s in Russian, so it sounds sorta cute.”

“You mean I’d have to change my name to Woodshed?”

Pete smiled and paused.

“You were conceived in a woodshed?” he said.

I have to admit, as far as conspiracy theories go, this one had some interesting facets. Just think of the kids conceived in cars. There would be Mustangs and Malibus, Chevettes and Yukons, Tundras and Tahoes.

Looking back, my middle kid’s name would be changed to Toronto. At least I’m pretty sure it was Toronto. I honestly can’t remember where the other two were.

Local kids would have all sorts of names. I’d bet half of ‘em would be named North Fork or Blankenship or Spotted Bear with a couple of Dorises and Abbotts sprinkled in.

There’d be Kitchens and Porches and Laundryrooms. And the boringest name of all: Bed.

I can see it now, some sassy kid telling me it’s “Laundree with two e’s” when I took her picture.

But then I snapped back to reality.

“Pete, what would your Russian name be?” I asked.

He thought a minute, maybe two. Stuck his fingers in the loops of his overalls and spat out some tobacco juice.

“Deli,” he said.

I didn’t say a word. Some stories are better left untold, but I know I’ll never look at a pastrami sandwich the same ever again.

Chris Peterson is the editor of the Hungry Horse News.