Remembering Dave Barry
Had a wonderful New Year’s Eve dinner last Saturday with friends, then home to bed by 9 p.m. This is perfect for people over 85.
Dave Barry doesn’t write his weekly satire anymore, but does a big one for the whole year each Dec. 31; however, for years he did do a widely syndicated humor column and even won a Pulitzer. I sometimes stole material and ideas from him. In a nostalgic mood, I’m revisiting Dave this week from a repeat column from Jan. 7, 2002.
Besides being wickedly funny, Barry is an expert at not-so-subtle satire. He receives much of his material from “alert readers” and I have sent him stuff because it is a great honor to be recognized as “an alert reader.”
Sent him a detailed report on the annual convention of “The Mare Urine Association of America.” He replied with a postcard, saying, “Hey George! I am one of the founders.”
Last week I read an AP story about the state of North Dakota recognizing Barry for his contributions to American literature. Actually the city leaders of Grand Forks were taking a pot-shot at Barry for his making fun of them calling their city “Grand.” He implied they didn’t even know what the word meant. I was personally upset by Barry’s attitude because I believe no columnist ... regardless of how big he gets, should be making fun of North Dakota.
I love what the folks of Grand Forks did. They told Barry they would honor his work by naming their new sewer lift after him. Dave was absolutely thrilled, caught a plane out of Miami and arrived at the dedication in a white limousine where the Mayor Mike Brown said, “The Dave Barry Lift Station No. 16 serves us and makes us proud, with its ability to go with the flow and keep the bowels of our city in constant movement.”
The temperature there was 5 below zero, but still, almost 100 people showed up. Barry thanked the gathered crowd from the bottom of his heart, then scared the Mayor and sewer people out of their socks by walking toward the controls saying, “I’ll just throw some of these switches here, since it’s mine.”
The mystique of Dave Barry continues to grow. Writers win Pulitzer prizes every year, but Dave is the first I know who has his own sewer lift station. Kinda chokes ya up ... doesn’t it?
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Doggone it! They are at it again. Yellowstone Park rangers have nailed two more people for taking shed antlers out of the park. They say one of the accused, Robert Janz, has been taking antlers out of there for years. His accomplice is a 20-year-old lady, Jessica Gannon. Her punishment for collecting antlers is a $500 “restitution” and three years probation. Janz got it worser, $3,000 restitution and five years probation. Neither can enter the park while on probation.
These two were accused of taking 191 pounds of illegal antlers last June. The story I have doesn’t say how they got caught, but we know in the past that Yellowstone officials spent thousands of dollars on little electronic chips which could be hidden in horns (antlers) and tracked by radio signals.
We don’t know what the park has in mind for “restitution,” so I will assume they are going to use the money to buy “outside” shed antlers and put them in Yellowstone where those others were stolen. After all this “high priority” program is based on a semi-scientific theory that voles, mice, porcupine and old rangers need shed antlers to gnaw on.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, “The guardians of our national parks surely have more important things to do than spend precious time, money and other resources looking for the few people who take an infinitesimal amount of antlers from the parks.” The sad thing now is that the old non-ranger guys who believe ground antler brings back specific youthful attributes as of this year, 2002, must go into the parks and grind the darn stuff and eat it right there.
Life is good. Happy New Year!
G. George Ostrom is an award-winning columnist from Kalispell.