Smalley's curse of the B-Tag

Fishful Thinker: Hi, my name is Jerry.

All: Hi, Jerry.

Moderator: Jerry, why are you here with us today?

FT: I drew a B-Tag for a hunting area west of Kalispell. I was thinking a winter of jerky, pepperoni sticks, and venison roasts in the crock pot.

Mod: So, what’s the problem?

FT: I still have my B-Tag!

Mod: Did you go hunting, Jerry?

FT: Fourteen times. I only raised my gun once.

Mod: You sure you know what a deer looks like?

FT: Oh, ya. Every morning I chase’em off my driveway. Same when I got home at night.

Mod: Did you see any deer hunting?

FT: No, I didn’t see any deer that were hunting.

Mod: I meant, did you see any deer while you were hunting? Get whistled at or flagged?

FT: I saw a deer, sideways, less than a minute from leaving my truck the first morning. It was foggy and the deer’s head was in a bush. I was afraid to shoot in case it was a fawn. It saw me, then disappeared.

Mod: Any other close calls?

FT: Not really. I still-hunting and I stumble-hunted. I saw areas where half the small trees had been rubbed, some totally girdled. Every time I looked down, I saw pellets. Sometimes knee-deep.

Mod: How fast did you walk?

FT: Years ago I read a story about a guy who hunted in six pairs of socks and sometimes took an hour to walk a quarter of a mile. That’s my normal hiking speed. I hunt slower.

Mod: Did you always hunt by yourself?

FT: Nope. A friend bird-dogged for me by bushwacking parallel to the old logging road I walked. I waited where the road turned towards him.

Mod: Did it work?

FT: He pushed out two deer hunters!

Mod: What else did you do to improve your chances?

FT: I washed my clothes nearly every night. Hung them outside on other days. Hunted around slash burns. Hunted early. Hunted late. Ditched my leather boots that got stinky hunting in early season rains. Even tried some of that odor elimination stuff in the orange bottle.

Mod: Any surprises?

FT: “Ding.” On a mountain top, Verizon reminded me my bill was ready.

Mod: Frustrated by anything else?

FT: One morning an elk walked in my bootprint less than an hour after I left the truck.

Mod: Anybody you know see you in the Loser Line at the check station?

FT: No, but when I told the volunteer about not filling a B-Tag, he said, “Well, that’s just the way things happen sometimes.”

Mod: You gonna apply for a B-Tag next year if they’re available?

FT: You bet. Things just might happen different next year. I just don’t want anybody to know about this year!

Jerry Smalley’s Fishful Thinking column appears weekly in the Hungry Horse News.