Amending Mother Goose

Many of my generation’s most popular children’s stories, poems, and fables have consistently come under attack from various government do-gooders, and private malcontents. In some cases, these book burners and witch hunters have succeeded in banning parts of our literary heritage, and in other cases completely changing the plot line.

One of my favorites was “Little Black Sambo.” That one is out now because some confused mind read racial prejudice into it. “Billy Goats Gruff” has too much violence, as does “Little Red Riding Hood.”

I feel that tampering with Mother Goose, Aesops Fables, or any of these time-tested classics not only violates citizen’s constitutional rights, but it is counterproductive and silly; however, it is going on at various levels of government, so I have helpfully decided to seek out the hidden evils they may have missed.

Let’s start with “Jack and the Bean Stalk.” You will recall that Jack traded his mother’s cow for that handful of magic beans. Right off the bat we have serious trouble here. As a minor, Jack could not engage in contractual business, even if it had been his cow, and on top of that, he displayed a total lack of respect for his mother. My new version will have that crooked little brat getting what he deserves … and no reward either. We should also make the mean giant just average size so as to not instill prejudice against large people.

I have mixed emotions about “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater.” Not many condone wife imprisonment, but on the other hand, if she was always out cattin’ around the honky tonks and Peter still loved her enough to want to keep her, maybe putting her in a pumpkin shell was the best solution for both of them. Women’s libbers would probably disagree on this one.

“Humpty Dumpty” has to go. There are no redeeming values there. The poem subtly ridicules roundish-shaped people. It creases an unreasonable fear of falling off walls, and lastly, it completely destroys public faith in the medical profession as well as the government and the military. You clearly remember that “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again.” They didn’t even call a doctor. This is the epitome of cruelty, vanishing hope and playing havoc on the emotions of impressionable children.

Oh my! This is really awful. I never realized until just now, how much evil lurked in my childhood books. There’s “Little Bow Peep,” what a careless lazy kid. She let the sheep wander away, and then with a coyote probably hiding behind every bush, she doesn’t even go look for them. How about Jack Horner? Old enough to talk but still sticking his grubby little paws in his food. Old Mother Hubbard is starvin’ her dog while The Old Lady in the Shoe is indiscriminately spanking her kids and you wonder who are the fathers. And! Hanzel and Gretel? Too terrible to even discuss.

Why? Oh WHY did I ever get into this? I can’t go on.

Well, at least when I start playing God with your reading material, it isn’t on taxpayer’s money.

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning columnist for Hungry Horse News. He lives in Kalispell.