Ask the judge

When I was speaking at a service club sometime ago, someone asked me, “As a judge, what is the one ‘wish’ you have about our judicial system”? Although the question was probably pointed at the workings of the judicial system itself (which have many things to improve on), I took it another way. The No. 1 thing I “wish” about our judicial system is that parents would work harder to stay together. We all know the sad tale of the statistics.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 41 to 50 percent of first marriages in America end in divorce, 60 to 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce, and 73 to 74 percent of third marriages end in divorce. Incredibly, children of divorced parents are four times more likely to divorce than children of non-divorced parents!

I am always interested in how the U.S. compares to other countries and am disappointed we lead the world with the highest divorce rate of any country. Asian countries have the lowest divorce rate, at less than 5 percent. Spain and Italy come in at around 5 percent. European countries vary but generally come in between 25 and 30 percent. Japan is 27 percent, and Australia is around 40 percent.

The main reason I am so saddened by our high divorce rate is the impact divorce has on children. I often interview children when deciding parenting plans. I usually ask the question, “I cannot grant you three wishes, but if I could, what would your three wishes be?” This open-ended question usually tells me a lot about what is going on. The No. 1 answer is a variation of “I wish my parents would stay together.” These children know how much their parents fight, but they still want them to “stay together.”

So, my No. 1 “wish” is that parents would work harder to stay together. Believe me, I know it’s not easy. I married a beautiful, smart, and talented lady 23 years ago, and it has been difficult to have the marriage we both desire. It is a work in progress. In fact, we’re going to a marriage retreat this month. Having said that, it’s worth the effort.

I sometimes hear people say, “I don’t feel in love anymore.” I believe now love is a decision, not just a feeling. In other words, most of us married “for better or for worse.” The vow should probably say “for better and for worse” because worse will happen in every marriage. That marriage vow is a sacrament, a sacred moment, not to be broken. (I recognize some marriages should end, but that should be infrequent, as opposed to the frequent we see now).

 People may think, “If I could just find a better person.” That doesn’t work, as evidenced by the dismal statistics of second and third marriages. All people, especially yours truly, are less than perfect. That is the state of our world. We need to make the best of what we have. Imperfect personality traits, imperfect bodies, imperfect connections are all part of it. We all love imperfectly as well.

I suspect most couples have a D-minus marriage at some time. The ones that last often become B-plus or A-minus marriages though. We need, however, to put commitment first and suffer through the hard times it takes to resolve problems and make relationships last.

Talking openly is one key to a growing relationship, whether it be a spouse or a friend. The talking must be open, free of nuances and honest. That’s hard to do. Karen and I have a long way to go on this — as I said, it’s a work in progress. More work on my part than hers, I might add.

In summary, I wish people would work much harder on staying married. Most importantly, despite difficult marriages, kids want their parents to stay together, and for good reason. Child psychologists agree that kids who grow up with a mom and a dad do better in life. The rather startling statistic about marriages of children from non-divorced parents having a four times more likely chance of staying married is proof positive.

Judge Russell Fagg has been a state district court judge for more than 20 years, handling more than 25,000 cases, including thousands of family law cases.