Legislative loony toons

Hidden away in the heart of every person who runs for Legislature, there seems to be a secret desire for a law, which the candidate never mentions during the campaign.

Luckily, most just “live with it” but many do not. That’s how we voters get shocked out of our skivvies by “out of the blue” legislation we’d never heard of before.

Remember the 2011 bill to create a special season for people who want to hunt with spears? Among that kind this year was a bill to make it legal for bow hunters to use “lighted bows.”

Perhaps it’s a twisted sense of humor, but I think it might be a best seller if someone wrote a book about those past “loony toon laws.” This columnist has had a ball over the years on that subject. Let’s take a peek at one from the 1999 Legislature:

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“No man’s life or property is safe while the legislature is in session.” Recalled that astute observation this week and again gave thanks to Will Rogers, Mark Twain or whoever. If my umpteen years have not brought great wisdom, they at least brought assurance the vast majority of new bills will not be passed. It is also comforting to know this country is not alone in sending a turkey or three to the Capitol.

There is a downside. I sorta like some bills that have little chance. Take Senate Bill 3. There’s a dandy. Sen. Daryl Toews feels a few howls of pain are good for maintaining discipline in the classroom. He explained his bill would allow teachers to inflict punishment which produced pain but not “long lasting pain.” As an example, he suggested grabbing a disruptive student on top of the shoulder and giving a little squeeze for a while. When the grip is relaxed the pain goes away.

I not only think it’s a swell plan, but we could even encourage public participation. There would be inspiring competition, with plaques and cash prizes. Top awards would go to the punishment which produced the most pain but went away the quickest.

Current law forbids teachers from inflicting any punishment that causes physical pain ... period. Don’t remember when that law was enacted, but it certainly was long after I was out of grade school. Do know it was about the time more and more grade and high school students began getting in trouble with the law and forcing taxpayers to produce bigger jails and prisons that now runneth over.

The breakdown of moral values and parental discipline within a growing number of families now fills those cells with youngsters who were not taught respect for anyone — their teachers, the law and, worse yet, themselves. Perhaps Sen. Toew’s bill should be amended to say, “It’s OK to have pain last up to an hour.”

Senate Bill 186 would relax state law covering concealed weapons, so it would no longer be illegal to carry your licensed gun in bars and public offices. Sen. Jack Wells feels law-abiding people should be allowed to defend themselves from criminals wherever they are, including bars.

Existing state law forbids people with a concealed weapon permit from carrying their gun when they’re drinking alcohol. Sen. Jack feels that provision can remain as is, and his bill would even allow breathalyzer tests on suspected armed boozers. This reporter feels SB186 would thus create scenarios where everybody in the bar would know exactly who was carrying a gun ... the ones drinking Kool-Aid. I like it.

On the Flathead County Sheriff’s log last week was a late-night entry wherein an alert citizen called 911 to report seeing two men along Whitefish Stage Road “playing guitar in their underwear.” The dispatcher could not send even one officer, let alone a SWAT team, because we have no current law against playing guitar outdoors in your underwear.

There are always meaningful things that next legislature can work on.

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning Hungry Horse News columnist. He lives in Kalispell.