The Dingaling Test

The unreasonable political activities in Washington, D.C., right now prompted me to rerun a column from early 1993. It won’t help things get better but maybe give us a laugh.

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If everyone helped, we could design a Dingaling Test to introduce in our state legislature and then on through Congress. The idea is to keep anyone from doing anything they were not qualified for. Heaven knows we need a test like that, and here’s just one example of why.

Some guy filed a lawsuit against our ski hill saying he got hurt because Big Mountain didn’t mark a bridge well enough. Skiing is a game where we strap on slick boards to our feet and see how fast we can slide down a steep hill covered with snow. Is this an activity for people who can’t see bridges?

If we had a Dingaling Test ready, this guy would not have been allowed on the ski slope. In fact, a person like that wouldn’t have passed high enough to get a car license to drive up there. Maybe he couldn’t even grade high enough to ride in a car.

Once we get the test authorized, there’ll be people who will just have to sit in a special room ... on a toilet ... with a seat belt. After all, a really good Dingaling Test will indicate who among us might injure themselves or others while using a butter knife or blowing bubbles.

A fella once told me, “No one is smart enough to design anything that someone else isn’t dumb enough to use incorrectly.” I thought that was an exaggeration until recalling crazy things we hear about every day, like the bank robber who couldn’t run away because his pants fell down.

Most well-known makers of tools in America are out of business, so we buy foreign because we didn’t have a Dingaling Test. American companies were sued to death by folks who sawed their own leg instead of a board or drilled a hole in their hand instead of the wall. These accidents looking for a place to happen are the same kind of troublemakers who want to sue gun makers in murder cases. There has to be some kind of adult test we can design which will pick out all fuzzy thinkers. Here is a start:

Official Dingaling Test

Instructions: This is not a timed test. Take as long as you want. When sure of your answer, take the dull crayon and make an X in front either the Yes or No. If you cannot decide on an answer after thinking for an hour, make an X in front of both the Yes and the No. If at any time you find you have eaten the crayon, ask the testing person for another one. Now start.

1) Do you feel people over 18 should take some personal responsibility for getting sick if they eat sardines without taking them out of the can? ___ Yes ___ No

2) Have you ever deliberately stood out in the rain until pneumonia set in, then blamed the weather person, or the Old Farmer’s Almanac? ___ Yes ___ No

3) Do you believe the U.S. government should put up large fluorescent warning signs at cliffs in national parks? ___ Yes ___ No

4) If you heard of a famous movie star getting her neck broken when her long scarf tangled in the car spokes, would you write a blame letter to the automaker? ___ Yes ___ No

5) Do you feel the state fish and game department should automatically pay $1 million to the heirs of anyone killed while riding a snowmobile on state land? ___ Yes ___ No Should this rule carry over into winter? ___ Yes ___ No

6) Do you feel teenagers arrested for drunk driving should be protected by withholding all facts from their parents? ___ Yes ___ No

Enough, enough. I’m wasting my time and yours. There can never be a legal Dingaling Test because many people who would flunk are already in Congress.

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning Hungry Horse News columnist. He lives in Kalispell.