Making and breaking laws

Editor: The following column was run in the June 30, 2005, Hungry Horse News.

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It has been estimated that the average person breaks about 25 laws a day. City councils make them, county commissioners, school boards and so do busybody bureaucrats. Lately the state and federal supreme courts have been legislating. Every day, thousands of people are frantically making or changing laws. They hardly ever repeal one.

Certainly we need rules of human conduct, to have some semblance of order to and to separate us from lower animal forms; but we could get along just dandy with a whole lot less of those government kind.

I’m not down on all laws. I really like the laws of chemistry, physics and mathematics because they make sense. “The square root of the hypotenuse is equal to the square of the other two sides.” Who would argue against that?

Saw a highway sign in Florida many years ago which illustrates several laws of science. It said, “The South Coast Limited goes through this crossing at 80 miles per hour — whether you are on the tracks or not.” Nobody needs a lawyer to understand that one.

But the laws I like the very best are those that express common sense observations of human lives. The best ones are sprinkled with subtle humor and just have the author’s last name. Most famous of these is Murphy’s Law, which actually has three parts: “1) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 2) Everything takes longer than you think. 3) If anything can go wrong, it will.” It is Murphy’s third rule we most easily recall.

If anyone has collected the best of these laws into a book, I’m not aware of it, but most of us have a small personal collection. Some favorites are worth recollecting once in awhile.

Maybe my number one favorite is Chamberlain’s Law of Probable Dispersal: “Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”

Stengel’s Basic Law of Baseball: “Good hitting will always stop good pitching ... and vise versa.” He’s also the guy who said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

Berra’s Law of Accumulated Wisdom: “You can observe a lot by just watching.” Yogi authored this one, too: “Nobody goes there anymore because it’s always too crowded.”

There was a sign in my brother’s busy office at the Bell Manufacturing office which said, “It is hard to remember why you wanted to drain the swamp when you’re up to your arse in alligators.” (Author unknown)

There’s nothing against any of us regular folks making up laws. Guess I’ll try a few.

“Californians can’t stand solitude unless there are other people around.”

“The person who wrote the ad is never the one who waits on you.”

“The best fishermen are not regularly employed.”

Oh darn! Now Iris wants to get in on the law writing. She just came up down here to my den and said, “Married guys who don’t put their dirty clothes in the hamper get a baloney sandwich for dinner.”

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning Hungry Horse News columnist. He lives in Kalispell.