Gunning down Mole-mar Gadhafi

"Got him!" I yelled to my wife who was watching through the living room window. Mole-mar Gadhafi, the pesky insectivore that had terrorized our garden and lawn for most of the summer, was dead.

Mole-mar's fatal mistake was re-opening the tunnel I'd kicked in less than 10 minutes earlier, after finding fresh dirt. Actually, I was watching a wild turkey mother herding her seven chicks when a spray of dirt grabbed my attention. I waited for the turkeys to clear the area, removed my shoes and slowly and carefully stalked the latest excavation.

Mole-mar was double-tapped by a rimfire .22 caliber short bullet fired from a Colt Woodsman pistol. Montanans always want to know the caliber. The Colt is same weapon I'd been packing on my hip for nearly two weeks on my daily trip to the mailbox. Just in case Mole-mar stuck his head up out of a hole.

We found the first tunnel excavations in early July. Initially, I approached the problem with education. I Googled everything I could find about moles.

Moles aren't rodents. Moles are insectivores. And although they eat big bug larvae like June bugs, their favorite food is earthworms. Mole bites paralyze earthworms. Up to 30 worms can be stored in specialized underground pantries.

Moles will, however, eat roots and tubers if they are in the way of new tunnels. That explains the demise of our rhubarb. No eminent domain in Moleland.

Waterboarding (sticking a running garden hose into a tunnel) didn't flush Mole-mar. More than $40 worth of chemical warfare (lighting sticks of The Giant Destroyer and stuffing them into tunnels) didn't do anything but stink up the garden with sodium nitrate fumes.

Biological warfare included encouraging our lab, Maggie, to dig up fresh tunnels. Lots of digging, no moles. My entire mole torture budget went for the purchase of a Victor spring-loaded spear trap. The ground is just too dry and rocky to trigger the spears.

As my obsession with stopping Mole-mar festered, there was no lack of "help" from family and friends. One friend, let's just call him "Wes," told me Sweeney's Mole & Gopher Sonic Spikes removed moles from his garden.

I drained my acoustic weapons budget. But I didn't try the spikes because I was afraid they might move the moles farther into the lawn.

Many doubted my Colt approach, including, according to unofficial sources, the local fire chief and his dad. I'm reporting the world (or at least my lawn and garden) is a better place without Mole-mar.

Mole-mar's body was returned to a tunnel for proper rites by survivors. And as a message.