Drugs, ads and age

G. GEORGE OSTROM / For the Hungry Horse News

Aging is a daily subject at the Over the Hill Gang’s coffee talks. We were discussing our individual health problems Tuesday and when it was my turn I mentioned the constant pain in my right wrist. One of the guys asked if I had taken ALEVE. Told him I’d take a leave in the army to spend a week in France. That drew moans from the group and I lost my turn. I’ve never been big on taking stuff I don’t understand.

A new disease or “condition” is reported every evening during the national TV news. With each newly revealed problem are offers for a newly discovered medicine to attack it. There are also unnumbered “new” treatments for old afflictions. Most of these scary reports are in ads, but even the commentators throw in related items. I’ve often gone into a nightly news broadcast feeling fit as a fiddle and came out with the possible symptoms of four or five bad diseases. Hypocondriacs probably can’t watch much TV.

Because of liability fears, the actual ads for drugs are quite short but are followed by information that seems unending, “Do not take lamenta if you are about to become pregnant, suffer from hemorrhoids, have a fear of high places or wear bifocals.” Many of the drug aids carry warnings such as, “If lamenta causes the onset of visual impairment (blindness), fainting, paralysis and ingrown toe nails, stop taking lamenta and call your doctor right away.” One drug for stopping smoking warns, “You may become suicidal, paranoid and delusional,” but it ends with a happy smiling woman who is “glad” she discovered the drug. Have to wonder if that’s a very daring lady or if she is a little off center.

A distracting part of watching TV football are sensuous ads aimed at men who are not as active in the mating game as they once were. One of those products ads always end with a naked man and woman sitting outside with their backs to the screen. They are in separate old fashioned bathtubs holding hands. Although I’ve been in more than 30 foreign countries and across America, I absolutely had no idea there were so many romantic places equipped with old fashioned bath tubs … outside.

Besides the TV promotions, we’re swamped by drug ads in magazines. Reader’s Digest has many where a page telling about the wonders of a certain medicine is followed by half a dozen pages of solid tiny print aimed at relieving the manufacturing company of all liability. Could anybody in the world sit and read all that stuff without getting sick?

I brought all this up because most gloom and doom drug promos are aimed at older people. In spite of so many new afflictions out there, people are living much longer on average and … some drugs do help.

When my dad was born in 1905, the life expectancy of a man in the U.S. was 48 years. In spite of developing “the miner’s con” from years underground, he made it to 76. Average life expectancy for a woman was just over 51 when my mother was born in 1909. She made it to 86. The World Almanac says expectancy for a male had grown to 59 when I was born in 1928. It also says a person who is now 82 can average eight or nine years more. Anyone currently 100 is looking at an average of two more years. These figures show, “The older you get — the older you get.”

That reminds me of a man aged 80 who offered to sell me some lakeshore land some years ago and I asked his if he would be willing to give me six years to pay off the balance after a 20 percent down payment. He said “sure,” but then came back and said his lawyer told him a man his age shouldn’t go for long term contracts. I convinced him he looked no more than 65 so he signed the deal. He got his money and was still going strong at 90.

The oldest man in the world, Walter Breuning of Great Falls, celebrated his 114th birthday Sept. 21. The oldest person before Walt was Henry Allingham in England, who reached 113. Henry said the secret of his long life was, “Cigarettes and whiskey, and wild wild women - and a good sense of humor.”

Guess I’ll just keep ignoring those scary drug ads. Have decided Henry Allhingham would make a good role model; however Iris says defiantly … the wild women are out.

G. George Ostrom is a Kalispell resident and a national award-winning Hungry Horse News columnist.