Cover-ups and Plots
G. GEORGE OSTROM / For the Hungry Horse News
Woke up this last Monday morning and First Wife Iris greeted me with, "Happy Anniversary." "Oh darn!" I said, "Forgot again." The scene didn't create near as much trouble as the one on our fifth, 47 years ago. We were in Washington D.C. at the time, and when I got home late from work, Iris had the kiddies in bed and a special dinner for two by candle light. It didn't help when I asked, "What's going on?"
Thank heaven, people get more mellow as decades go rolling by. That's a nice thing about achieving longevity; however, there are drawbacks. We constantly get "unbelievable" offers for free hearing tests, over-age life insurance, elder care and stuff like that. Someplace there are opportunistic businesses keeping track of people's ages but this is not new. It was 24 years ago when the mailman brought the first unsolicited reminder of my age. Was only 58 then and it caused me to write thusly on April 23, 1986 :
-A Grave Situation-
Nilsayers and gloom birds have always been around, thoughtlessly bugging unsuspecting victims. I've occasionally been walking down the street in a good mood, and run into a character who says something like, "Haven't you been well George? You look like you've been dragged through a knot hole backwards."
After coming off four days on a 1953 forest fire just in time to spend three days celebrating my 25th birthday, I happened to meet one of my former college professors. That concerned "old friend" proceeded to suggest I should probably consider altering by current life style.
Yep! Over the years we've all had our physical appearance diagnosed by folks who were experts at making a fella feel bad enough to start shopping around for a good secondhand coffin; but a letter I got last week has got me lower than a rattlesnake's belly button. It was Wednesday when I got this "Notification Award" from a local cemetery association. Could tell right off, they were hot for my body.
If I agree to let 'em bury me, a $495 "handling fee" gets me an absolutely free plot … in "the Garden of Apostles." Sure! There are some strings attached but what the heck? We're talkin' here about the chance of a lifetime to hole up with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
It has been years since I had a good physical so maybe those cemetery folks have noticed something that has slipped past my daily look into the shaving mirror. Because of the grave aspects of the situation, I plan to have a physical checkup next week. If the doctor finds something that costs more than $495 to fix, I could tell the cemetery association to come and get me; however, if the doc thinks I'm still good for a year or two, I'm going to give 'em the name of somebody who looks worse than I do, providing they split the 495 bucks.
Should they refuse to accept this counter offer, I must then relate why I refuse to be in on their plotting, and I will also point out, this isn't something they can just cover up in their usual manner. I am normally a very enthusiastic person when it comes to investing in real estate, but this is one time I refuse to get carried away. (End of 1986 Column.)
As I write this April 2010 column Monday morning, I am planning to take Iris out for dinner this evening, request a secluded table with candle light, and then tell her I actually knew all along … this is our anniversary.
G. George Ostrom is a Kalispell resident and a national award-winning Hungry Horse News columnist.