Learning people to write good

G. George Ostrom

"How to Write Good" was the headline over a humorous item in our last Reader's Digest. That kind of grammatical tom-foolery has been around for a long time. A regular feature in my Kalispell News reported on people helping others and was titled "Done Good." At first a few readers said, "George, you shouldn't say people 'done good.'" A favorite grade school teacher called laughing to say, "George. I learned you better than that." Eventually the idea was accepted for what it was… having fun with bad grammar. I didn't invent "done good," but got inspiration for its use from one of the funniest books I ever read.

After reading "How to Fish Good" by Milford (Stanley) Poltroon in 1971, I drove to West Yellowstone through winter storms because I wanted to meet what was obviously a wildly intelligent character. Arriving in West Yellowstone I found Paltroon wasn't listed in the phone book but everybody knew about "that guy." One fella' told me where Poltroon lived after informing me Milford was probably not his real name. Found the house surrounded by about seven feet of snow but the walk was not shoveled. Instead there was a tunnel, 30 inches high and maybe 15 feet long. Crawled through there and found a scribbled sign on the door stating Mr. Poltroon "… might have gone fishing." Didn't say where or for how long. Do remember the temperature was hovering at 20 below zero.

Never got to meet Poltroon in person but continued reading his irreverent newspaper, (he called it a magazine). "The Wretched Mess News." A follow-up book, "The Happy Fish-Hooker" featured Mona Lisa in hip boots on the cover. It was a long time before learning his real name was Dave Bascom. He had been an ad agency executive, whom some called "an advertising genius" in San Francisco before leaving the city life in 1966. Moved to West Yellowstone where he made Milford Poltroon famous, or perhaps INFAMOUS, throughout the fishing world. Called himself "A mysterious figure with the power to cloud men's minds," or "A manic who should have been withdrawn from society long ago." Claimed he was "The only American writer ever to refuse the Nobel Prize."

"How to Fish Good" was published by Winchester Press in New York and the introduction was written by the incomparable Field and Stream humorist, Ed Zern. The book does not have one serious or believable word in it. The illustrations, by Poltroon, are mostly alterations of famous paintings such as "Whistler's Mother" fishing in a bucket, and "Washington Crossing the Delaware" with a rod on "opening day." Poltroon was very talented with pencil and drawing pen. The book deals with such subjects as "Sex Habits of the Foul Mouth Bass," "How to Lie Good," and "How to Survive Good." It makes fun of Jane Fonda, Army Corps of Engineers, golfers, every worm fisherman who ever walked and famous people back to Julius Caesar.

The February 2, 1986 "Sunday Punch" newspaper reported: "David Franklin Bascom was born in Pennsylvania on Jan. 29, 1912. He is rumored to have died late last year, but no one knows for sure. Given his passion for secrecy and practical jokes, it is entirely possible that he is still extant… standing by a trout stream and laughing up his sleeve."

I'm sure Milford (Stanley) Poltroon is gone to the "Big Trout Streams in the Sky," but somehow I keep hoping that somewhere, somehow, someone will find a final manuscript by Milford. Can't imagine that guy leaving without writing a few words on … "How to Die Good."