Turkey is a vegetable

To the editor,

Here it is. Holiday time again. My doctor has put me on a low-fat vegetarian diet. How do I reconcile this diet with the National Holiday Pastime: Eating. I read labels. I make informed decisions. I watch what I eat. And I lie.

Look at is this way: What do turkeys eat? Corn and oats, right? Are corn and oats not vegetable (as opposed to animal or mineral)? OK, then. Turkey meat is made up of recycled corn and oats, so it is a vegetable. Sweet potatoes? Vegetable! Pumpkin pie? Turkey dressing: onion (vegetable), celery (vegetable), sage (vegetable), bread crumbs (not vegetable, but not meat). Sure, it has turkey broth, but we have already established that turkey is basically a vegetable, so that's OK. And I always saute my celery and onions in VEGETABLE oil or margarine made of corn (vegetable) oil. I believe I'm getting in the swing of this thing.

Whipped cream is going to present a problem. Well, if I get the non-dairy kind, it is mostly nice, healthy chemicals, so it shouldn't count. Coffee is made from beans, clearly of the vegetable persuasion. Chocolate-covered cherries. Hmm. Chocolate comes from cocoa beans. Bingo! Another vegetable. Cherries are fruit, so that's OK. I guess fudge is pretty much the same kind of vegetable as the chocolate-covered cherries, more or less.

Potatoes are definitely vegetables, so mashed potatoes and gravy will be allowed. You can't eat potatoes without gravy! Cornbread is mostly vegetable. Waldorf salad has apples, nuts and marshmallows, all of them vegetables or fruits. Marshmallows are also vegetables. They come from the mallow plants that grow in marshes, of course. Fruitcake is, of course, fruit, so I can eat all I want of that. Sugar comes from sugar cane or sugar beets, both definitely plants. Therefore, sugar is a vegetable. Since sugar is a vegetable, that means all candy, which is mainly sugar, is acceptable on this diet. The diet is, after all, low-fat, not sugar-free.

Ah, yes. The fat. Most of the above vegetables are rather high in fat content. I'm not sure how I'll lower the fat content of all these foods. I know. If I eat off the floor, the fat will be lower than if I eat off the table!

There you have it. I'm sure after a couple of months on this low-fat, vegetarian diet, I will be slim and trim. If I can get up off the floor, that is.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas and prosperous New Year. Take care of yourselves and by all means: Be sure to eat all your vegetables.

Richard Peterson

Omaha, Nebr.

Note: Peterson's daughter, Nancy Riva, lives in Columbia Falls.