Old maid maternity coverage

Last week was a good one for me getting to hold a baby. On two different days that opportunity presented itself. One of the babies got mad, scared, or both—but the other one let me hold him for several minutes.

I must have been around 31 years old when Iris came home from the hospital with that first squiggly baby and I was too spooked to hold him very long. In fact, I wasn't very comfortable with your basic just-born person until we'd had two or three of 'em. By the time number four arrived, I was working 12 to 15 hours a day and didn't have much opportunity to just sit and hold the little devil. I missed out on a lot of good cuddling of my own younguns and maybe that's why I love to be around babies now. Then again, perhaps that is just a natural part of being a grandpa.

This is not an invitation to bring over a couple a little crumb smashers and leave 'em for a day or two. I like clean, quiet, cheerful babies and when they start making unhappy noises and mess their pants I want them taken away immediately and hidden someplace until they get all clean and cheerful again.

Iris and I will be at the store and I'll say, "Look at that cute little dickens. I wish I knew the mother. I'd ask her if I could give him a hug." Then Iris says, "George, you don't really love babies, you just love them part of the time. Real love like mothers have is all encompassing, all of the time."

"Hold it Iris! Hold It. My memory isn't completely gone you know. I seem to recall a few times when you would have sold our entire litter for two hours quiet and a box of chocolates."

On several occasions talking to the insurance agent about the cost of maternity coverage I explained that Iris and I are pretty much out of the baby business. While not making an issue of Iris's age, let alone mine. I've cited medical facts regarding the average woman's reproductive years, but the agent said, "George, the Legislature in Helena makes the law. You go tell them about it."

"Come on! If an old maid 200 years of age took out a medical insurance policy with your company, would you insist she have maternity coverage?"

"George, the Legislature of the state of Montana passed the unisex law, which created some very silly situations …and costly too. In 1994 the Supreme Court ruled for a women plaintiff who had a baby but did not have maternity coverage on her policy. The court said that under our unisex law, her maternity cost should be paid anyway. That opened pandora's box."

He went on, "Many many insurance companies have left Montana since the "unisex" law went into effect, but those of us still here know we must cover 'every woman who buys a medical insurance policy' with maternity benefits. We don't care if she's 200 years old and gave up sex right after the Civil War. You should also know that following the Supreme Court decision, many women who had babies after July 1991 filed claims against the insurance companies to collect full maternity benefits, even though it wasn't on their policies either. The companies paid, paid, and paid and that is one of the reasons why your insurance rates went up, George!"

I sat there for a minute in shock. This couldn't happen in America. Then I spoke, "You're my insurance agent. What should I do?"

"There are several options open, George. First, You like to cuddle babies. You're now back in the business of paying for 'em, so go home and talk to Iris about starting a new batch. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

And that is how I've come to know why insurance payments went up and also how I learned… all the clowns aren't in the Legislature.