Bear Spray for turkeys

This is the wild turkey mating season. At least that is what it seemed like last week along Whitefish Stage where I saw four gobblers strutting their stuff. Don't forget that earlier this year we had several reports of local people being threatened by the male gobblers. One man from Columbia Falls told me about being chased around his pickup on Hilltop Road by a "really mean one."

My kindly and normally brave, "First Wife Iris," feels good whenever there is evidence of turkeys being dangerous to humans. That kind of news verifies her claim of how "awful those things are."

Even before we were married, we had a little spat over her claims that turkeys were mean, vicious, and dangerous. Since then the subject has come up a few times and I've had to control inner glee and disbelief while she tells a childhood story and relives the terror of being treed "for hours" by a flock of man-eating turkeys. Turkeys are way down on the list of things that scare me: but, they are right under black widow spiders in Iris' book of terrors. Besides that, she hates 'em.

Have told about how much Iris enjoys cooking up a gobbler. She likes the idea of ridding the world of another killer turkey so much, she has even roasted them on the Fourth of July, Halloween and Canadian Independence Day. I've worried a bit when she sees wild ones while driving the car, thinking she might just hit the old accelerator and go for 'em.

In the files now I've got this newspaper clipping and Iris has written above it in big letters with a red marker, "OK, hot shot. Put this in your pipe and smoke it." Many of you may have read the AP story, but for those who missed it I'll synopsize.

A "gang" of turkeys caused a traffic jam, a collision, and blocked off a highway in Michigan's Upper Peninsula in April. When Patrolman Daryl Middleton was trying to talk to one of the drivers involved in the crash he was attacked by six birds, "yelping, clucking and gobbling at him in an intimidating manner." Patrolman Larry Gasperich came to the rescue by swatting them with his hat which infuriated the turkeys so much they forgot Daryl and converged on him. That is when Larry drew out the "pepper spray" and let 'em have it.

The officer's report says the mace type spray worked, "The suspects fled the scene on foot, running down the hill and into a wooded area south of the crime scene."

Iris loves that story, especially the part about the "pepper spray," "suspects," and "crime scene." After I'd read the clipping, she said, "You laugh about my climbing a tree when I was a little girl and here we have two big husky highway patrolmen so scared of turkeys they resorted to the same stuff you guys carry to fight grizzly bears. Does that tell you something Georgie Boy? Maybe turkeys are just as mean as grizzly bears."

I had to apologize for ever doubting her beliefs, and I told her I was wrong about turkeys not being dangerous to human life. The issue is settled as far as she is concerned and I for one am never going to bring it up again as a topic for family discussion.

Just for the record though…and I would just as soon Iris didn't hear about this. "If I ever have to use my Counter Assault Spray on a charging beast, I would much rather have it be a turkey than a grizzly bear.