Letter from the editor
Scientific bullies
A group of 2,500 scientists are - as you read this - making a decision that could literally change our solar system.
No, they aren't curing cancer. Instead, these white-coat bullies in their ivory tower gang are trying to kick Pluto out of our solar system. Apparently, Pluto's size doesn't warrant inclusion with the big kids in our corner of the Milky Way.
ACLU members unite! If this isn't a first-class example of planetary discrimination, I don't know what is. We've only got one more week to make sure that the International Astronomical Union, which is meeting in Prague, knows that someone out there is willing to stick up for the little guy.
What will we teach our kids? Suddenly there are only eight planets orbiting around the sun? The government will spend millions purchasing revised textbooks and erasing memories. Holdouts will be forced to distribute black market scientific journals from the 90s that prove Pluto to be a real planet.
Since Pluto was discovered in 1930, the lonely little planet in the frozen corner of our frozen corner hasn't even made it around the sun once. In fact, the planet requires 249 years to orbit the sun and rotates just once every 6.3 days. So Pluto isn't as quick as the other planets in class. High school graduates all across the United States can barely read or speak a coherent sentence in English, and we don't fail them.
Pluto is just orbitally challenged. There has to be a No Planet Left Behind federal program for that. We haven't even tried to reach out to our distant neighbor. All the other planets have been visited by man-made spacecraft, but space junk won't reach Pluto for another seven years or so.
Of course, Pluto's elongated and somewhat askew orbit has raised concerns. The other eight planets travel in a much more circular path, while Pluto mimics the movements of the rogue Kuiper Belt objects.
Are we going to stand by and let a group of thugs in lab coats force the entire universe into … uniformity? Pluto may dance to the beat of a different UFO radio station, but isn't that what diversity is all about?
These scientists are actually going to form a definition of what a planet is. Location, size, distance from the sun, etc., will all form the basis of the new definition.
The problem, scientists say, is that if we let Pluto stay as a planet, we must admit up to another 53 planets. I mean, 2003 UB313 is clearly 70 miles longer than Pluto and farther away, but astronomers have denied its solar system visa so far. UB313 is currently waiting for the introduction of a "guest planet" program, but may sneak in anyway. Democrats are scrambling frantically to court its vote, and Republicans are offering it tax cuts (unless it's a poor planet, then the Dems can have it).
Probably the most astounding fact of all is that this discussion is taking place in Europe, which is a group of countries known for its inability to get rid of anything useless. Employers are scared to hire anyone, because job security is a guarantee. Even if a worker knocks off early to go torch cars in Paris, it's almost impossible to fire him or her. And yet these same people are going to give Pluto the boot?
And let's not forget the underlying conspiracy in all of this. The International Astronomical Union is simply trying to trash America. Pluto is the one and only planet discovered by an American, Clyde W. Tombaugh. The IAU is now putting itself in the position to make one of history's greatest flip-flops. After officially designating Pluto as a planet Feb. 18, 1930, the IAU is going to reverse that decision just to slap the United States in the face. As far as I'm concerned, we own Pluto, and the IAU is attacking a sovereign nation's satellite nation.
I say we invade the IAU, pass a United Nations resolution and demand that Pluto be recognized as our 51st state. We've all grown up with Pluto, and we can't turn our backs on him now. After all, it's a rough life out there for a planet all on its own.